Mrs. Jeff Cutler?

You can call Gretchen "Mrs. Jeff Cutler."

Or call Jeff "Mr. Gretchen Kinder."

Or call us "Mr. and Mrs. Cutler."

Whatever.

Just don't call us later for dinner. Or dunch. Or cocktail hour.

Gretchen DID choose to keep her maiden name as her primary last name. She is still, according to the rule of law, Gretchen Lynne Kinder. She has no deep attachment to her surname, and in fact has not even seen or spoken with her father for 30 years. But, she is known by many people as "GK" and couldn't bear to let that moniker go. At least for now.  And she didn't want to be one of those people who said, "I'm Gretchen Kinder at work, but Gretchen Cutler when I sign up for new dump sticker at the DPW, and Mrs. Jeff Cutler when I make charitable donations..." Life is too short for such complications.

We're thinking about this now because we were shopping for a new car this weekend. A car salesperson asked for our names and, when we gave her the two separate names, she remarked, "That's so cool! You are so modern!"

"Really?!" thought Gretchen? "How is this modern? In 2014? In Massachusetts?"

In fact, Gretchen's friendship circle is such that the women who DO take their husband's last names tend to apologize for it. And she has two friends who took their hubby's surnames ONLY when their betrothed exclaimed not doing so would be a marriage deal breaker.

While Gretchen has ambivalence about it, there is definitely a part of her that wants to be known as Jeff's wife, she is thrilled that Jeff sees her retention of the "K" in "-gk-" as a sexy sign of power.

If you are the type who gets hung up about etiquette, you may address mail to us as Ms. Gretchen Kinder and Mr. Jeff Cutler (the lady always comes first).

If you are the type who seeks to needle couples about their modernity, please know we won't care if you address a card or gift to Mr. and Mrs. Jeff Cutler. So find another way to needle us.

PS: Thanks for the gifts.

Kittens Inspired by Kittens!

Jeff and I now have kittens. Two beautiful, active, and affectionate kittens. Adopted from litters had by two of my niece cats in Syracuse, the kittens are named Ducky and Brisket. A month into our feline parenting adventure these are some of the lessons I've learned about myself (and Jeff) in the role of nurturer:

1. I wish we had waited until we got the kittens to name them. Not that Ducky and Brisket aren't fantastic names - they are. But, I would have named Brisket "Mr. Softee" and in the beginning Jeff was aching to call Ducky "Crumpet." Kittens, I imagine like children, may in fact be born with a name that the parents have to uncover over time.

2. I am, like Brisket, a softy. Jeff is much firmer about following rules than I am. I imagine this is because I am a parent who works outside of the home. I often say goodbye to the kittens at 5:45 in the morning, only to come home dog tired by 7:00 at night. I want them to know they are important to me but don't always want to sit for hours at a time with them in my lap. So I give them treats instead and quietly - rather than loudly - admonish them when they position themselves to jump onto the dining room table.

3. I am a terrible relaxer. See point above re: not relaxing with the kittens on my lap. I AM finding myself more able to enjoy their antics and to laugh out loud during kitty smack down episodes that involve Brisket leaping off the back of the futon onto Ducky with extraordinary kitty gusto.



4. Jeff and I would be good parents to little people, if we chose to be parents to little people. We negotiated the rules and standards for the cats ahead of time, have stopped to renegotiate or gently redirect the other in times of weakness or in the face of new information, and have been diligent about spreading our attention between the cats and each other. We talk earnestly about their bathroom habits, their play routines, their sleeping patterns and their kitty litter as any new parent would discuss toileting, social and physical development, and diapers. I feel proud of our kitty parenting and believe we will have calmer, better adjusted, and sweeter kitties because of it.

5. We are excellent at cooperating on cat care. We made a list of questions for the vet before our first visit so we were both prepared and could hear the other's fears so there were no surprises with Dr. Stevenson. We took turns soothing the kittens after their blood was drawn and shots were given. One of our kittens has apparent GI problems and we both did our part to handle the follow-up work assigned by the vet. (Jeff's gag reflex, I'm happy to report, is not nearly as strong as mine. Which is good, because SOMEONE had to lift the watery stool out of the box and put it in the clean sour cream container to take the vet for testing.)

6. I actually don't mind the drudge work. I'm in charge of changing the kitty box. DAILY. Which one might imagine would be a drag. But I have so few daily routines that this actually creates an anchor for me in the morning - a time to check in with the kittens (who assiduously monitor the litter scooping to make sure I'm doing it right) and their health. Jeff and I also share some of the kitty care tasks - like feeding them, changing their water, keeping windowsills clear and picking up their toys. I wasn't expecting this division of labor and feel proud of our shared investment in the work of kitten parenting.

7. While we both have worriers inside of us, neither Jeff nor I are helicopter parents. Our side on the "indoor vs- outdoor" debate is not in question. We are clear that our cats will be outdoor cats when they have had all of the requisite vaccinations and are properly spayed (Ducky) and neutered (Brisket). Googling the phrase "outdoor cat" results in a bombardment of messaging about how terrible it is to let your cat outside - they will live a shorter, more stressed out life if you let your cats go outside. You are a terrible cat parent and an animal hater if you let your cats go outside. While the former may be true (and the latter just judgmental BS), Jeff and I agree that a shorter but HAPPIER life for the kittens is more important than a long and neurotic life. For them and us.

8. It is interesting how easily we have fallen into the parent nomenclature. Jeff refers to me as "mom" when he is talking to the cats. Conversely Jeff is "dad" when I speak about him to the kitties. I call Brisket my "son" and Ducky is my "daughter." I don't actually want to parent a human child, but apparently am comfortable with being called mom. Or maybe I'm only comfortable calling myself mom when talking to my cats.

Check back here regularly for updates, pictures and videos. We'll tally the amount of money spent on the cats (more than $475 so far between vet bills, litter, and other start up costs), and share more stories from our little parenting adventure. We're proud parents and can't wait to share our "kids" with you.

No dogs allowed....

After an inspiring conversation with my hair stylist this weekend Jeff and I had a serious conversation about the possibility of our getting a dog to keep us company in the tiny bungalow. Centered around weighing pros versus cons, it went a little like this:

Pros:
We have romantic notions of what life with a dog would be like - catching frisbees, rubbing bellies, chasing intruders, etc.
Most of our neighbors have dogs and we could be one of the "cool" kids.
I want an incentive and excuse to motivate herself for daily walks.

Cons:
We'd want s young dog, and would need to invest time in training the dog. And we don't want someone else to train the dog because we want the dog to respond to our commands, rather than a trainer's.
We don't like the idea of cleaning up steaming hot piles of poop. Or cleaning up dried up piles of poop littering the yard.
My job takes me away from home for up to 15 hours/day. And Jeff doesn't like HAVING to do things, like walking the dog because I can't get home. (I would feel the same way if the tables were turned.)
We aren't sure who we could ask to watch the dog when we spontaneously take off for unknown locales when the spirit moves us. Or we'd feel bad repeatedly asking Margo and/or Cindy and/or Aaron/Katie and/or Ben to watch the dog when we wanted to pick up and go.
I WANT an external incentive to walk because internal motivation isn't working. BUT I am not excited about walking a dog in the rain. Or the snow. Or early in the morning when I am overtired.

After our longish conversation we realized that we both like cats. Having cats could fulfill many of our romantic fantasies without many of the downsides we're aware present themselves with dogs. Or kids. So, no dogs. And we're going to get at least one - maybe two - cats. Why two? Well, I want a smoky gray cat and Jeff wants a light colored cat. No compromises. That's how we roll. Look forward to cute kitten pictures sometime in the future.

(Oh, and I need to find a less pet co-dependent way to motivate herself to get exercise.)

16 thing thing - Gretchen's perspective

Thanks to Sarah Gibb Millsaugh and Facebook for sharing this list exercise.

Make a list of 16 random yet poignant things about yourself (non-work related). And share them here.

1. I'm smack dab in the middle of five kids raised (nearly) solo by an extraordinarily strong mom.

2. Aforementioned strong mom now takes in immigrant refugee foster kids and I have had"brothers" from Sudan, China, Afghanistan, and other African, Asian and Central American nations. I think about cultural competency and immigrant rights a lot - from a personal perspective.

3. I worked very hard to earn two graduate degrees - one in social work and one in public health.

4. I'm toying with the idea of getting a PhD. I have a dissertation idea. But am not sure I want to do the coursework.

5. I lived for 2.5 years in an urban commune, which influenced my personal philosophy of recycling and living simply.

6. Very few things make me laugh out loud. A challenge for you comedians out there perhaps?

7. I have no relationship with my biological dad. Or my (former) step-father.

8. Two of my four siblings are either gay or in same sex relationships. I think about gay rights a lot - from a personal perspective.

9. I have very fond memories of playing the character Jacob Marley in my fourth grade performance of "A Christmas Carol." It was taped for and rebroadcast on local cable access television that year.

10. I wish I had received sufficient high school training in the sciences to prepare me to succeed in medical school.

11. I regret not having joined the Peace Corps when given the opportunity.

12. I regret not having attended state college for my undergraduate degree.

13. I'm not Jewish and I find the observation of Yom Kippur to be deeply moving. And I am sometimes embarassed to attend services because I assume I stand out like a sore thumb.

14. I choose not to have children of my own partly because I'm deeply afraid of being a bad parent.

15. The movie "The Color Purple" makes me weep uncontrollably. Really, just the last twenty minutes of the movie "The Color Purple." Or hearing the song playing during the last twenty minutes of the movie "The Color Purple."

16. I miss my grandmother, who died in November 2002.

Fa la la la la!

It has been Nag City here at the bungalow, with cabin fever coming before winter has even officially begun. It feels like we're fighting about everything - the ugliness of the new recycling bin in the living room, the shape of the meatballs rolled up on the baking tray, the volume of the television, the sound of the pages flipping as we turn pages in our respective books in bed.

Today it felt like we had a break in the sniping when we designed our Christmas photo card. I LOVE sending and receiving Christmas cards and they are important to me.

"Do you want to send a photo Christmas card?" I asked, after addressing approximately 30 cards to people who I maintain acquaintances with, but who are not known by Jeff.

"Yes" he replied definitively. ("Hooray!" I cheered on the inside, no guessing on what he *REALLY* means.)

"How many people do you want to send them to? I have about 15 people who I would send photo cards to." I replied.

"Hmmm. Maybe nine," says Jeff. ("Hooray!" again I cheered, another definite in the making.)

Within two hours we had set up and taken the photo, and I had begun the process of choosing the photo card template online. It felt like a peaceful and fun collaboration. We both wanted something silly and clever, and we didn't want to spend a lot of money. After I spent about 2 hours poking around on tens of websites, playing with different templates and captions, I turned to Jeff for help.

"Honey. I really need your help here. I can't think of something clever to say." ("Hooray!" I imagine Jeff thinking. "Gretchen is asking for help!")

"Okay, tell me what you got."

And from there we started working on the card together, scrapping our favorite template in favor of a simpler one that called for a less clever play on words. And, by 9:00 PM they were finished. They will be here in about a week. And the 25 or so of you - plus 15 bonus friends - who are on our shared "hot list" will get a beautiful and silly card from me and Jeff. Happy holidays!